Boy, yeah, there's a lot there. Okay, so if you're worried that the person that you're with is not yet over a past relationship, yeah, that's a legitimate concern. Ultimately, you're gonna have to trust yourself as far as how available this person is to be with you right now, and whether they're not wishing they were somewhere else.

First of all, I think we have to acknowledge that most of us have had past relationships. Most of us have had people that are important—they're in our lives, they're part of our history. Asking us to erase that history is kind of asking us to negate part of how we got to where we are as a person.

So, I think we have to accept that we have had love in our life. We have had people that are important to us. They might even still be sort of a part of our life somehow. I think we have to accept that everyone's got a past, everyone has a history, and it's part of how they got to where they are today.

I think it's also very legitimate when you're getting to a deeper place in a relationship to want to feel safe and reassured that the person we're with is with us and not somewhere else. They're not still dreaming about somebody else. They're not still wishing they were somewhere else.

And I think it's really important that we communicate that—not in an accusatory way by saying something like, "Well, it feels like you're still thinking about her" or "You're still that" or "You're still that." Anytime you're using the word "you" or "he" or "she," you're pointing the finger at somebody else.

A way better way to talk about it that's not gonna put anyone on the defensive is to make "I" statements.

"I really like being with you, and I want to feel like you're really with me. Are you really with me?
Do I need to—I'm having these fears—do I need to have these fears?
I want to be this way, 'cause this is how I'm feeling.

When I hear you talk about this ex-girlfriend of yours, I don't know, every few days or something, I feel like you're still thinking about her and you're more present with her in your mind than you are with me. Is that what's going on?"

Immediately, when I start talking about where I am, that's going to make it much less pressured for that person to talk about what's really going on inside of them.

And notice that after I make an "I" statement, I'm actually inviting the other person to share with me where they are at. I'm asking them for the truth.

If I start accusing them right up front by saying, "You're doing this" or "You're doing that," that's gonna bind it up, and we're not gonna get—we're not gonna open up, and we're not gonna get to a place where we're both happy.