How do you deal with extended family?
Run time: 03:29
January 11, 2025
Alright, love this question.
Family dynamics—so there's me, there's the woman that I'm with, the two people, and then there's everyone around, right?
First of all, let me say, different cultures are going to look at this differently. In the culture in the United States, we're very much individually based. I lived for a couple of years in Taiwan, so I got to see where, actually, family seems to take precedence over the individuals that are involved. Culturally, there are very different ways of going about this.
I'm going to speak from the American point of view that hopefully is a healthy one that brings in and welcomes as much of the extended family as possible. I think two individuals in a relationship that are very isolated are not going to thrive nearly as much as they are as two individuals inside a larger group of friends, a larger group of family. So you want that harmony to be there.
How do you deal with people in the extended relationship that maybe don't like you? How do you connect with that? I think it's important to accept that I'm choosing this person that I'm with, and I have to accept some facts of reality that are going to come with that person. There are things I don't get to choose about their life or background, and honestly, particularly if I'm a self-assured individual, I don't need everything in their life to validate me or like me in order for me to know that I still want to be with this one individual.
If a mother-in-law, for example, doesn't like me very much, my first job is to demonstrate to the mother-in-law, to my partner, and to everyone else in the family that I'm okay when something in life doesn't approve of me. I'm okay with that. I'm not going to suddenly become weak or curl up into a ball and go off into a corner. I'm okay with that, and I'm not going to change what my values are or who it is that I believe in just because one individual, who might be important, doesn't approve of me.
When we present ourselves that way to that individual, we might earn their respect very quickly, or maybe over time, they'll realize that this man or woman has strong principles. They believe in what they're doing, and at the same time, they're not requiring me to change my principles to match up with theirs. So allow the differences to be there.
It's also important to share with your partner, "Boy, I really have a hard time with your mother-in-law sometimes," not in a way that you're asking them to solve the problem, but in a way that acknowledges the situation. Maybe that will lead to you and the mother-in-law eventually laying the cards on the table and saying, "Well, I really value this," and you'll hear what she values. Maybe there's a middle ground where you can actually get to a good place.
Family dynamics—so there's me, there's the woman that I'm with, the two people, and then there's everyone around, right?
First of all, let me say, different cultures are going to look at this differently. In the culture in the United States, we're very much individually based. I lived for a couple of years in Taiwan, so I got to see where, actually, family seems to take precedence over the individuals that are involved. Culturally, there are very different ways of going about this.
I'm going to speak from the American point of view that hopefully is a healthy one that brings in and welcomes as much of the extended family as possible. I think two individuals in a relationship that are very isolated are not going to thrive nearly as much as they are as two individuals inside a larger group of friends, a larger group of family. So you want that harmony to be there.
How do you deal with people in the extended relationship that maybe don't like you? How do you connect with that? I think it's important to accept that I'm choosing this person that I'm with, and I have to accept some facts of reality that are going to come with that person. There are things I don't get to choose about their life or background, and honestly, particularly if I'm a self-assured individual, I don't need everything in their life to validate me or like me in order for me to know that I still want to be with this one individual.
If a mother-in-law, for example, doesn't like me very much, my first job is to demonstrate to the mother-in-law, to my partner, and to everyone else in the family that I'm okay when something in life doesn't approve of me. I'm okay with that. I'm not going to suddenly become weak or curl up into a ball and go off into a corner. I'm okay with that, and I'm not going to change what my values are or who it is that I believe in just because one individual, who might be important, doesn't approve of me.
When we present ourselves that way to that individual, we might earn their respect very quickly, or maybe over time, they'll realize that this man or woman has strong principles. They believe in what they're doing, and at the same time, they're not requiring me to change my principles to match up with theirs. So allow the differences to be there.
It's also important to share with your partner, "Boy, I really have a hard time with your mother-in-law sometimes," not in a way that you're asking them to solve the problem, but in a way that acknowledges the situation. Maybe that will lead to you and the mother-in-law eventually laying the cards on the table and saying, "Well, I really value this," and you'll hear what she values. Maybe there's a middle ground where you can actually get to a good place.