How do I know that I'm done?
Run time: 03:05
December 15, 2024
Well, first of all, there are two people in a relationship, and the relationship doesn't really exist. What you have are two independent people, and both of them are deciding whether or not they still wanna be in the relationship. So, and that is an individual choice for both persons, for both people to make on their own.
Maybe your question is: How do I know when I'm done with a relationship? That might be it.
Trying to decide when somebody else is done with a relationship—that's up to them to communicate it to you one way or another. And if we sense that it might be over, if we sense that it might be there, we can make it easier for the person to be honest with us.
We can tell them, "Look, if you're not feeling this anymore, that's fine." And you really take the pressure off of the other person to communicate that and to feel that there won't be some dramatic fallout. There won't be some—you won't get angry, you're not gonna explode, you're not gonna hate them. You can make it feel like it's safe for them to be honest with you if the relationship is over on their end.
As for finding out whether or not the relationship is over on our end—well, I think when we start every relationship, there is a lot of goodwill, a lot of patience. We have a lot of just a desire to give and support the other person. And when there are problems in a relationship, that is like a savings account that kind of gets dwindled down over time. And at a certain point, we start to go into the negative.
It's like, it's like you're charging up credit card debt in a relationship, and you start to feel like it's costing you more than you really wanted to. And at a certain point, you—well, at a certain point, you shift gears from giving to: We need to get serious about this and deal with the conflict.
When you start dealing with that conflict, the real question then is: How good are your communication skills? Are you going to step in and start actually saying the things that are difficult to say?
Cause we were really nice at the beginning, and we had lots to give. And when things aren't feeling so good, do we shift, and do we start to actually become very honest with somebody? And it's sort of like when you gave somebody else permission for them to tell you the truth that they're done with the relationship—for you to grant yourself permission to be honest with them. And even if they're gonna have a big reaction, you say, "It's okay. We need to go through this anyways. We need to let this be whatever fallout that it's gonna be."
And you start walking through that, and with that level of authenticity in the relationship, that's where you'll see whether or not they are still in it. You can see whether or not this is going to function.
Are they meeting you and working through that conflict, or is that conflict just getting worse? As you're being yourself, and when you see it just going to a worse and worse direction, that's when you have to ask yourself, "Okay, is this going to get better, or am I just not a good match with this person?"
Maybe your question is: How do I know when I'm done with a relationship? That might be it.
Trying to decide when somebody else is done with a relationship—that's up to them to communicate it to you one way or another. And if we sense that it might be over, if we sense that it might be there, we can make it easier for the person to be honest with us.
We can tell them, "Look, if you're not feeling this anymore, that's fine." And you really take the pressure off of the other person to communicate that and to feel that there won't be some dramatic fallout. There won't be some—you won't get angry, you're not gonna explode, you're not gonna hate them. You can make it feel like it's safe for them to be honest with you if the relationship is over on their end.
As for finding out whether or not the relationship is over on our end—well, I think when we start every relationship, there is a lot of goodwill, a lot of patience. We have a lot of just a desire to give and support the other person. And when there are problems in a relationship, that is like a savings account that kind of gets dwindled down over time. And at a certain point, we start to go into the negative.
It's like, it's like you're charging up credit card debt in a relationship, and you start to feel like it's costing you more than you really wanted to. And at a certain point, you—well, at a certain point, you shift gears from giving to: We need to get serious about this and deal with the conflict.
When you start dealing with that conflict, the real question then is: How good are your communication skills? Are you going to step in and start actually saying the things that are difficult to say?
Cause we were really nice at the beginning, and we had lots to give. And when things aren't feeling so good, do we shift, and do we start to actually become very honest with somebody? And it's sort of like when you gave somebody else permission for them to tell you the truth that they're done with the relationship—for you to grant yourself permission to be honest with them. And even if they're gonna have a big reaction, you say, "It's okay. We need to go through this anyways. We need to let this be whatever fallout that it's gonna be."
And you start walking through that, and with that level of authenticity in the relationship, that's where you'll see whether or not they are still in it. You can see whether or not this is going to function.
Are they meeting you and working through that conflict, or is that conflict just getting worse? As you're being yourself, and when you see it just going to a worse and worse direction, that's when you have to ask yourself, "Okay, is this going to get better, or am I just not a good match with this person?"